My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.