A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll all the time, just loaded and ready — because you know what? It’s for my country. It’s for my country. If I got to sacrifice myself, it’s for my country.