My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

God bless America. But God, please help Canada.

How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, Dude! Back up. But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.