Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."

Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer?

Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.