There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it!

Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!

They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.

I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it?