You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.

I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like "never challenge Dad to a fist fight.

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ? If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.