Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.