I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.

Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?