When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is 16. Why? Because you never introduced him to Mr. Back-of-Your-Hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once? 'Cause my father introduced me to Mr. Back-of-His-Hand and its wiley sidekick, Mr. Foot-in-My-Ass.

Born free. Taxed to death.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.