Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!

We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.

Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it pretty rough. I don't know how you roll out of bed every morning.