Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"

You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us to third. Damn you, Finland!

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, Kate.