Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!

Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.

Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

And one more thing I want to be clear about - I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!