Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.

When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.

In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.