We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. Nobody's getting my Ipod. Then he left the keys to carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny.