We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."