We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro.

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers ? When I go to dinner with friends, should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?