Booze is the greatest of all equalizers. Rich drunks and poor drunks both pass out the same way.

...I've spent the last fifteen years of my life railing against the game of soccer, an exercise that has been lauded as "the sport of the future" since 1977. Thankfully, that future dystopia has never come.

When I'm walking around, I'm usually drinking pop, so I can't have a mask on. That's why I couldn't be a surgeon.

It has always been my belief that people are remembered for the sum of their accomplishments but defined by their singular failure.

We’re all tourists, sort of. Life is tourism, sort of. As far as I’m concerned, the dinosaurs still hold the lease on this godforsaken rock.

The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably.

The goal of being alive is to figure out what it means to be alive.