It's safe to talk openly and honestly with people because they're not really listening.

For every man that ever walked the Earth, except maybe the sociopaths, when it comes to talking to pretty girls... it's just stark terror.

If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I'm gonna be really pissed.

Love, sex, food, friendship, art, play, beauty and the simple pleasure of a cup of tea are all well and good, but never forget that God/the universe is determined to kill you by whatever means necessary.

I work from a deep sense of insecurity. I have the belief, and I can't shake it, that there are endless reasons to turn the channel. There are hundreds of channels and entirely other things to do besides TV. And if you make a bad television show there's no reason for the audience to come back the following week.

Don't forget that you are the product of a culture that went stark raving mad about ten thousand years ago. Adjust your thinking accordingly.

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.