For the most part my friends can always be more entertaining than the tube ever can be.

The truth is, immigrants tend to be more American than people born here.

Nevertheless, if you ask me, most people have children just as their own enthusiasm about life begins to wane. A child allows us to revisit the excitement we once felt about, well... everything. A generation later, our grandkids bump up our enthusiasm yet again. Reproducing is a kind of booster shot to keep us loving life.

Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. The first time you meet someone special, you can count on them one day being dead and in the ground.

The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.

This is our world now, and those ancient people are dead.

You're not getting this back you know. Consider it an asshole tax.