I learned all those jokes in second grade. Second grade is really where they tell you those horrific jokes, racist jokes and misogynistic jokes that you have no idea what they mean, and you just memorize them because they have a very strong effect, they make people laugh in this kind of nervous, horrible way, and it's only later that you realize that you've got a head full of crap.

That's how a good story works. It changes how you feel. It brings you to a greater appreciation, a greater joy, of your own existence.

I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.

I just don't want to die without a few scars.

You think maybe if you just work harder and faster, you can hold off the chaos, but then one day you’re changing a patio light bulb with a five-year life span and you realize how you’ll only be changing this light maybe ten more times before you’ll be dead.

That’s the American Dream: to make your life into something you can sell.

Deliver me, Tyler, from being perfect and complete.