In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future.

As you leave these gates and re-enter society, one thing is certain: Everyone out there is going to hate you. Never tell anyone in a roadside diner that you went to Harvard. In most situations the correct response to where did you go to school is, "School? Why, I never had much in the way of book learnin' and such." Then, get in your BMW and get the hell out of there.

Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.

House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'

President Obama says he will not support a healthcare plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option.

Today, possible presidential candidate Donald Trump released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as blue and his hair as ridiculous.

President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.