I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.

Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind.

I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it's very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs.

Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's.

In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun.