In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage.

Donald Trump called George W. Bush 'the worst president in the history of the United States.' Then he added, 'Until, of course, I'm elected.'

The big story today, Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin when he criticized Republican policies by saying, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. Political experts say that if Obama keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC.

If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

Some scientists want to replace the handshake with the fist bump. Others want to replace the fist bump with the 'tush push.'