I have an abacus at home.

The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a 'Kanye moment.' Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.

Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don't worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine.

President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'

Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.

Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse.

In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies.