If I existed 200 years ago, all the other farmers in my community would be like, 'That guy is worthless! He's sitting on a rock, jumping up like a frog, coming up with weird concepts and ideas, making faces, and combing his hair into a giant pastry.' It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.

In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''

Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, 'Just keeping my options open. It's a dicey job market. You never know.'

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is in trouble after tapes surfaced of him saying negative things about other Republicans. Actually the Schwarzenegger tapes surfaced last year, but they weren't deciphered until this week.

Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A's.

Michele Bachmann said she wants her three daughters to learn to shoot a gun. Mostly so they can put her campaign out of its misery.