Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'

Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.

The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.

Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

San Francisco is the only city in America where marijuana is legal but plastic bags are not.