A great writer named Neal Stephenson said that America does four things better than any other country in the world: rock music, movies, software and high-speed pizza delivery. All of these are sacred American art forms. Let's return to our purity and our idealism while we have this shot.

I am God and my lawyers are my 12 disciples...do not f**k with me!

Warren Beatty took an interest in my career at one point.

Princess Di is my sister, she just won't admit it.

I don't really miss God but I sure miss Santa Claus!

If you (the press) lie about us, I will hit you, Kurt will shoot you, and we both will sue.

Don't date the captain of the football team; be the captain of the football team.