Sometimes, just saying that you hate something, and having someone agree with you, can make you feel better about a terrible situation.

It is always terrible to be told to go play with people one doesn't know.

Occasionally there are parents who say, "I brought my child so he or she could learn what the career of a writer is like, and you did this long theatrical performance instead, and I'm very disappointed."

This is like a cookie, it tastes like a cookie having sex with a doughnut.

You should never stick something that you are allergic to into your mouth, especially if that thing is cats.

I met [my editor] in a bar where alcoholic beverages are served and I bought her one and I told her the idea. And she said that she liked it very much, which embarrassed me because I thought it meant that she was a lightweight and that in the morning, as so many women say to so many men, what seems like a good idea, you know, turns out not to be.

Of course I'm trying to trick you! That's the way of the world, Baudelaires. Everyone runs around with their secrets and their schemes, trying to outwit everyone else.