A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way.

My church accepts all denominations - fivers, tenners, twenties.

We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock.

Goodnight, thank you, and may your God go with you.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

It's the behaviour of your company and its people that form your reputation, and your reputation is your brand

I don't go out of my way to be outrageous, I just go out of my way to look at things.