Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.

You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been on lately, we passengers would have swiftly beaten them to death with those hard rolls you get with your in-flight meals.

There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?"