As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

The one thing I'm terrified of trying to write about is sex. I mean my God, my wife might read it or my daughter might read it or my son might read it, so no, I've never really written about eroticism at all.

I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.