My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.

I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.

9 saw the first direct-dialed long-distance telephone call, between New York and San Francisco. Of course, back in that primitive era the parties had to speak to each other manually; today one or both ends of the conversation would be carried on by a machine.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.