My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

The great thing about golf - and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it - you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

Advice to expectant mothers: you must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must remember that the other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let's not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they're eating for is Orson Welles.