Men have no cause to criticize women about the way they are about weddings. Because men are like that about sports, but it never ends. At least women, after the wedding, say it wasn't that big a deal and they're never going to look at the DVD again. Men never stop being crazy about sports.

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of forty-seven-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?