Worry is interest paid in advance on a debt that never comes due.

I'm not the guy to ask about politics. I'm a gag writer.

Roll back the clock, and every possession of every great country started with a crime.

I've been alienating my public since I was 20 years old. When 'American Buffalo' came out on Broadway, people would storm out and say, 'How dare he use that kind of language!' Of course I'm alienating the public! That's what they pay me for.

If you're neurotic and you think, I'm not where I deserve to be or my mother didn't love me, or blah, blah, blah, that lie, that neurotic vision, takes over your life and you're plagued by it 'til it's cleansed. In a play, at the end of the play, the lie is revealed. [T]he better the play is, the more surprising and inevitable the lie is, as Aristotle told us. Plays are about lies.

I hate the computer. I hate their spell-check. I won't ever do e-mail.

It is the writer’s job to make the play interesting. It is the actor’s job to make the performance truthful.