Once you use a toothbrush to clean a pencil sharpener, you should no longer use it to clean your teeth.

I've always liked Richard Pryor. I've always responded to rhythmic profanity.

The way you make money is to do something you don't like to do. And that's how you know you're a virtuous person.

I assumed that the pencil market was collapsing, but then it turns out that from 2010 to 2011 in the United States, pencil consumption went up by over six percent. I mean, those are all foreign-made pencils. Those are probably Chinese pencils, mostly, and Mexican pencils. I mean, it is an archaic communication technology, but it is still ubiquitous.

I'm not a professional comedian. Nobody comes to my comedy shows. That's just a little hobby.

I just wanted a really simple, dramatic way so that fans, people who were reading my comic, would be like, "This is something different." Just to flag it, almost.

I've been really surprised about a lot of the negative comments about artisanal pencil sharpening. Like, it really rubs some people the wrong way.