It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
David SedarisI've never made up events, but I've always been a big exaggerator. It's written on my humorist license that I'm allowed to do that.
David SedarisThe only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.
David SedarisThere seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
David SedarisI've maintained old friendships, like with people I knew in the nineteen-seventies, but have lost the knack for meeting new people. This has a lot to do with my writing schedule. I don't want to be disturbed, and the willingness to be disturbed is, I think, part of being a good friend.
David Sedaris