But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

In Japanese and Italian, the response to ["How are you?"] is "I'm fine, and you?" In German it's answered with a sigh and a slight pause, followed by "Not so good.

At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.

No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.

The good thing about England - like, if I were in France, all people would be doing is rubbing my nose in Donald Trump. As if I voted for him. Just rubbing my nose in him. And in England, they'd be rubbing my nose in it too, except for Brexit. So that means they can't rub my nose in anything!

I've been keeping diaries for 27 years.

What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks? Trains don't normally sneak up on people. Unless they've derailed, you pretty much know where to find them.