My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and therefore speaks no English whatsoever. [...] An experienced traveler could have told by looking at my shoes that I wasn't French. And even if I were French, it's not as if English is some mysterious tribal dialect spoken only by anthropologists and a small population of cannibals.

Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in my mouth.

I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.

You meet people who say, "Oh, I'd like to do such-and-such, but I don't have the time." But it always seemed to me like you make the time. And if you have a wife or a job, if you have kids or whatever, you find a way. If you really want to do it, you make the time.

Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.