She said, โIโm going to have you fired.โ I had two people say that to me today, โIโm going to have you fired.โ Go ahead, be my guest. Iโm wearing a green velvet costume; it doesnโt get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? Iโm going to have you fired!โ and I wanted to lean over and say, โIโm going to have you killed.
David SedarisAlso, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.
David SedarisReal love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.
David SedarisI attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it.
David SedarisI started typing diary in, I don't know, 1978 or '79, but then the computer changed that a lot. Because with the computer if you were writing and you realized you had three sentences in a row that started with the word "he," you could fix that right up, whereas on a typewriter you'd think, "Well, I'm not going to change the whole page. It's my diary." So that made a difference.
David Sedaris