You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.

...clatter of a typwriter suggests that you're actually building something.

I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.

The interesting thing about gay people is that you can't really put on a wedding without them. They're the ones who make your dress, and do the flowers and the catering. They've toiled in the wedding industry all these years but were never allowed to do it themselves.

The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.

The only real advice you can give anyone is to keep writing.

I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.