Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.

I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call "understanding" is basically just fantasizing.

For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and most of all, he saves food. Cherry tomatoes, sausage biscuits, the olives plucked from other people's martinis --he hides these things in strange places until they are rotten. And then he eats them.

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

She said, “I’m going to have you fired.” I had two people say that to me today, “I’m going to have you fired.” Go ahead, be my guest. I’m wearing a green velvet costume; it doesn’t get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? I’m going to have you fired!” and I wanted to lean over and say, “I’m going to have you killed.

My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.

The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.