And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.

I don't worry about being exposed. When I'm writing about myself I think about myself as a character. There is a ton of stuff going on in my life that I don't write about. If I need to write that stuff down, I write about myself in my diary.

A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.