The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

If you see me doing a new stand-up special, it probably means I've been out of work for a while.

My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

I really like 'Batman.' Not the TV show, but the dark 'Batman.'