You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?

My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, Look I got to level with you. I met another kid.

You can't have an honest fourth grade school teacher. Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Johnny, your son, your only child, the fruit of your loin, is a moron. I have no idea how this kid finds a door to get out of the house in the morning. If I were you, I would waste him and start over. Now, I say that with all due respect.

I think boxing is an incredible sport and I would like to see it really become regulated because I think it could bring back a lot of the past.

Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need - and I am a doctor, I've never seen this before - some sort of a cookie. You're actually too healthy. You need a cookie.

My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: I have a cold. I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore.

Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.