I regret the times I've been mean to people... It's fine to pick on people who can defend themselves and deserve it. Some people don't deserve to be picked on who I picked on, so I don't do it anymore.

I talk to millions of people every day. I just like it when they can't talk back.

My goal is to goad people into saying something that ruins their life.

I'm Howard Stern with a vocabulary. I'm the man he wishes he could be.

You can't get much more liberal than John Kerry is. I mean, he's my candidate, but, I mean, come on.

I would rather go to Baghdad than go to a professional basketball game.

I'm so happy, I think I'll dress up like J. Edgar Hoover and sing show tunes.