Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

I'm sitting, waiting to get on the freeway, and I'm waiting my ass off. I look over at the side of the road, and there's a hitchhiker with a sign and it says, 'Pick me up, and you can drive in the carpool lane.' I got to tell you, he was kind of smelly, but he was a good conversationalist.

I was immediately into all the great movie comedians - Woody Allen, Mel Brooks, Richard Pryor, Gene Wilder. Everything those guys had anything to do with, from I don't know how young. Super young.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.