You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.

I've always enjoyed things that are popular,I mean, obviously, there are plenty of things that are popular that I hate. But when something like that is done right, I just think they nail it. I just think Modern Family is a really clever show.

The thing is girls will always say you're lying when you say you had sex with them when you're lying about having sex with them.

Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.

I enjoy a lot of stuff. That's why I pursued a career in show business, because I enjoy watching everything as much or more than making it. I'm just a big TV and movie junkie from when I was a kid. Fortunately, it worked out.

Never really intended to be a comedian, just sort of fell into that, but always wanted to be in show business, or something to do with making comedy.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'