You can't always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you've just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn't work, I've got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it's important to have backup.

I can't go off all crazy like that and reward someone a ton of money.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

People come to me with ideas for shows, and I certainly am thinking of stuff all the time. And it's always like, you know, "Get high and drive a car!" Or "Get high and do this or that." It's always things like, "Well, that's a terrible idea to get high and do that." So, when they came to me with this, I was like, "Well, you're just sitting there and discussing cases."

I've always enjoyed things that are popular,I mean, obviously, there are plenty of things that are popular that I hate. But when something like that is done right, I just think they nail it. I just think Modern Family is a really clever show.

Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.