Why do I write? I write to entertain my friends and to exasperate our enemies. To unfold the folded lie, to record to truth of our time, and, of course, to promote esthetic bliss.

Longevity, like intelligence and good looks and health and strength of character, is largely a matter of genetic heritage. Choose your parents with care.

To the intelligent man or woman, life appears infinitely mysterious. But the stupid have an answer for every question.

The distrust of wit is the beginning of tyranny.

When the situation is hopeless, there's nothing to worry about.

Every important change in our society, for the good, at least, has taken place because of popular pressure-pressure from below, from the great mass of people.

The purpose of love, sex, and marriage is the production and raising of children. But look about you: Most people have no business having children. They are unqualified, either genetically or culturally or both, to reproduce such sorry specimens as themselves. Of all our privileges, the license to breed is the one most grossly abused.