Do you live each day as if it's your first or your last? Either way you should probably have a diaper on.

I enjoy growing older and wiser and learning from my mistakes every single day.

My life is perfect even when it's not.

Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork.

I won't have a hard time being brutally honest. But I won't be mean. You don't have to be mean to be honest.

I admire people who know they can't sing. There are so many people out there who can't sing, but they think they can, so they sing a lot.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.