I'm going to be kind, because then it all just kind of spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the ones wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time.

Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

All of my friends were seeing a therapist, and I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't see a therapist. So I went to a therapist to find out why I wasn't seeing a therapist. And it turns out I'm very screwed up. Thank God I found a therapist to tell me for $125 an hour.

What did the letter O say to Q? Dude, your dikk is hanging out.