I'm going to be kind, because then it all just kind of spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.

We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we're cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired.

I'm sure men have their own ways of trying to demean one another, but women can be very gossipy and judgmental, and that doesn't help.

There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans

Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.