Once I had the attention, all I had to do was deliver.

I'll pat myself on the back and admit I have talent. Beyond that, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time

The only things I read are gossip columns. If I read three pages of a book, I'm out like a light. When I pick up the book again, I've forgotten what I've read and have to start over again. By page three, even if I've just awakened from a nine -hour nap, I fall asleep again. So if anyone gives me a book, it had better have lots of pictures.

Any audience that gets a laugh out of me gets it while I'm facing them

Eisenhower was my war hero and the President I admire and respect most

Always give them the old fire, even when you feel like a squashed cake of ice.

I remember Tallulah (Bankhead) telling of going into a public ladies' room and discovering there was no toilet tissue. She looked underneath the booth and said to the lady in the next stall, 'I beg your pardon, do you happen to have any toilet tissue in there?' The lady said no. So Tallulah said, 'Well, then, dahling, do you have two fives for a ten?'