Hereditary monarchy offers numerous advantages for America. It is the only form of government able to unify a heterogeneous people. Thanks to centuries of dynastic marriage, the family tree of every royal house is an ethnic grab bag with something for everybody. We need this badly; America is the only country in the world where you can suffer culture shock without leaving home. We can't go on much longer depending upon disasters like Pearl Harbor and the Iranian hostage-taking to "bring us together.

Familiarity doesn't breed contempt, it is contempt.

Animal rights activists gives disillusioned feminists an excuse to go back to being women protecting wee creatures without compromising their radical credentials

Real feminism is spinsterhood. It's time America admitted that old maids give all women a good name.

American couples have gone to such lengths to avoid the interference of in-laws that they have to pay marriage counselors to interfere between them.

Owning your own home is America's unique recipe for avoiding revolution and promoting pseudo-equality at the same time.

The copyeditor I drew was a brachycephalic, web-footed cretin who should have been in an institution learning how to make brooms.