If I had as many love affairs as I've been given credit for, I'd be in a jar at the Harvard Medical School.

As you may know, I have many good friends in the press who, unfortunately, have thus far refused to identify themselves and go public.

I'm supposed to have a Ph.D. on the subject of women. But the truth is I've flunked more often than not. I'm very fond of women; I admire them. But, like all men, I don't understand them.

Orange is the happiest color.

It took me a long, long time to learn what I now know, and I don't want that to die with me.

(While accepting the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award) I've been thinking about why you have to get famous to get an award for helping other people...If your name is John Doe, and you work night and day doing things for your helpless neighbors, what you get for your effort is tired. So, Mr. and Mrs. Doe, and all of you who give of yourselves, to those who carry too big a burden to make it on their own, I want you to reach out and take your share of this...Because if I have earned it, so too have you.

When lip service to some mysterious deity permits bestiality on Wednesday and absolution on Sunday, cash me out.