I voted for President Bush. I voted for President Clinton and although I do want my vote back, I voted for President Obama.

You know why I'm pulling your leg? Because I can't touch it from where I am.

Being a Jew, you realize your strongest weapon is your mind.

Your date will not be impressed by you throwing up on her brand-new shoes, as you spout poetic babblings that are meaningful only to you.

Why is it that most of the folks I know think "personal growth" is caused entirely by those second and third helpings of biscuits and gravy?

Rock bands are a lot like football teams: If a guy is on drugs and messes up, get someone else who's proud to wear the uniform and be part of the team.

Never underestimate the power of being popular in pop culture. You have to be able to do something. You can have a good seat at the restaurant, but you still have to pay for the meal. Fame is important, but to be rich is more important.